I have risen…just like Icarus, I fall and am imperfect but I always rise again….
As many vegans know, our skin is thin. We feel so incredibly deeply for animals and mother earth that our armour needs to be resilient and ironclad to protect us from constantly feeling overwhelmingly sad. Day in day out, I struggle with this and have had a suicide attempt when my precious dog Jedda was killed by a car outside the house I was living in after my first husband walked out on me. She adored me as I did her and this day in particular, she was happily sunning herself on the deck overlooking the pool when I couldn’t find her to take her for her afternoon run. I thought I looked everywhere so thought she must’ve moseyed over to the park to have a sniff around so I went over to look for her. When I couldn’t see her there, I started calling her, panicking. Just as I saw her come running with glee down the driveway to tell me “look mumma here I am!!”, a car came flying down the street. I have reflected thousands of times as why I didn’t throw myself in front of the car to save her. I can only surmise that I was in a state of shock and was frozen. My darling angel lay on the road gasping for her life. She passed over less than an hour later at the vets. My home now was like a morgue to me. Why would the earth need me when I cant even protect my own child? I sat with her collar around my neck that night, drinking myself into oblivion, pulling the collar tighter and tighter until I was gasping for breath. I wanted to suffer as my darling had. And then I heard her. Her long, toenails tapping up the wooden floors of the hallway towards me. She came to be with me again. She was ok. She was transitioning to peace and paradise now. I knew in that moment I had to keep going for her. To make a difference for other animals in her name.
I could no longer live in that house. I moved the next day to be with my mum, to recover from severe depression. The house sold, my girl stays with me in my heart and I have her ashes in a cushion.
Since Jedda, I have lost more children. I lay on their lifeless bodies whaling until I am physically sick. I am one with them forever. My little man, Mr Dudwey, a rooster who I rescued as he was due to be murdered….he would sit with me at night time on my lap with my handmade eye cover made from chux so that the light didn’t disturb him. He was a lost little soul without a purpose until I rescued his girls Ting Tong and Rhianna from a hell-hole that I helped shut down. His little heart flew each day showing the girls around the property, his charm and manners impressing them no end.
Until and when humanity empathises with all animals and wants to understand and love them, mother earth will drown in torture and blood. Our role since we are born is to serve animals and to protect and honour them. We will never have peace in our souls whilst we enslave and murder our beloveds.